A long overdue report on the state of my personal biological computer system revealed the following:
CPU: As good as always. Superior to many and has excellent long term memory and a large capacity for new input. Has certain favourite folders and files resulting in the underutilization of others.
OPERATING SYSTEM: Non-typical. Trained to be compatible with numerous other operating systems, but not wired the same. However it is over 90% compatible with other systems.
I guess Linux and Mac just won’t befriend MS…
There is one special operating system with whom I network in a unique way and is fully compliant with my own operating system.
RAM: (RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY): Best described as very random. Accessed easily but not when the system is under stress. Long term memory excellent for details no-one else seems to remember and are in obscure folders.
MOTHERBOARD: An atypical system, but good overall performance. Poor co-ordination and inability to function under certain conditions of pressure has been detected on this system. These faults can be effectively mitigated with training programs and good software input.
MOUSE: Handles well. Equipped with ten working buttons. The left ones are utilized for printing. The right ones are utilized for keyboard operation.
HARD DRIVE: Works very well indeed, almost too well, and is very easily activated at most if not all times. Regular exercise is recommended to keep it in good condition but not overused.. Continues to function effectively and upgrades are not considered necessary at this stage.
FLOPPY DRIVE: Also in good working order and stays floppy unless otherwise indicated.
CD ROM DRIVE: In excellent working order and has excellent memory and a wide repertoire of music. Has definite favourites which play on a regular basis.
SEARCH ENGINE: It is always searching for one of the following: cell phone, contact lenses, keys, or various small items of clothing, the search engine quickly gets frustrated and returns a 404 not found result stating that the needed file has been catapulted into another dimension. The filing system appears to be at fault as the necessary item usually appears underneath another pile of software.
Sometimes it’s just an admin problem…
DENTAL HARDWARE: Two units were removed two years ago due to uncontrolled input resulting in system faults. The remaining units work well, but the guarantee expired during the first decade when the last of the permanent units grew out to replace the original parts, which were apparently recycled by the Tooth Fairy programme during an earlier operating system.
WINDOWS: Currently on its fifth decennial upgrade. Upgrades take a little longer than initially but this can be attributed to the large and continuous increases in the amount of data stored. However, functions well considering the original system first saw the light of day in a small town hospital in the year Kennedy died.
KEYBOARD: Pressing the right buttons usually elicits a good response. Operators who know the system well know which keys work best for optimum performance and results.
SOUND SYSTEM: Not as fully functional or fine tuned as in the original package. Internal tinnitus bubble and squeak is affecting the system’s ability to process sound, and to focus on details when background noise is prevalent. Use of external software apparatus has been recommended by most of my close associates, but has not yet been connected to the system due to insufficient material resources.
SPEAKERS: Some people think the speaker is of unspecified foreign manufacture. This is not true, despite odd inflection or accent detected by some networkers. The speakers produce only what is considered useful, whether serious or jocular, and are not dependent on what is popular or widespread. The speaker can handle two languages well and a few words in numerous others.
MONITOR: Works well with the insertion of external software known as contact lenses. The “spectacular” software went missing last year during a system meltdown and hasn’t been re-downloaded yet.
NETWORK: Not very widespread but has potential to increase dramatically.
MODEM / INTERNET CONNECTION: Adequate. Not fond of large scale conference calls, but handles one on one well. Downloading is sometimes a bit slow. Uploading varies in speed depending on time of the day and on how busy the CPU is, as instant multitasking is not always recommended for this system.
RECYCLE BIN: Usually kept pretty busy and requires regular emptying. The icon appears on the CPU whenever necessary.
BACKUP SYSTEM: Not under guarantee, but fortunately doesn’t cause major problems. Had a fairly recent problem with the system but software helped restore it to functionality.
CAPACITY: Mental capacity is virtually unlimited and always searching for more. Physical capacity needs to be regulated by less input of software consumables containing high kilojoules, colourings and preservatives.
DATE AND TIME: Performs well considering the installation date of the original system, which was initiated on a Wednesday evening.
SLEEP MODE: In very good condition. Can reboot quickly when reactivated.
OVERALL: Performance occasionally hindered by wrong input, software or harmful programmes. Harmful input of consumables needs to be kept to a minimum, so rejects flash sticks filled with nicotine, excessive preservatives and indeed all excesses where possible, so as to reduce the effect of harmful viruses. Intake of the following consumables is high: sugar, coffee, vegetables, cheese and a number of other favourites.
Generally speaking my virus protection system is quite effective and no excessive malware has thus far tainted its functionality.
Generally the system is satisfactory and doesn’t need to be replaced. Regular upgrades and maintenance is all that is needed. Replacement parts for the system are virtually unobtainable, except for software pertaining to sight, sound and enamel processing of consumables.
Have you checked the status of your own biological computer lately? A regular update is recommended!
Watch out for the virtual sticks and stones!