With the US election around the corner and two unpopular main candidates, neither of whom should have been allowed anywhere near the cream of the leadership bucket, on the ballot I thought we’d take a look at a few alternatives which our valued American friends could consider, as they are ineligible to vote for the handsome Justin Trudeau who runs their northern neighbour.
There are, of course, several genuine alternative candidates such as Jill Stein, Gary Johnson, Jim Hedges, Darrell Castle, Chris Keniston or Zoltan Istvan to name just a few, but for those who would still prefer “none of the above” there are numerous fictional options…
All the candidates listed below were “born in the USA” and thus eligible for the highest office for the purposes of this blog in which fact and fiction are allowed to mingle freely…
The perennial Peanuts gang is well represented on my list since there are few better known Americans than they.
Some of the 50 states allow you to write in anyone you like. Here’s two useful links for those who want more info:
Born in the Disney studios in 1928, Mickey is probably one of the world’s best loved cartoon characters and was famous long before Hillary or Donald were potty trained.
He’s been a write-in candidate in numerous previous elections. In 2012 he received 14 write-ins in Rhode Island. Hillary was also a write-in, as she wasn’t on the official ballot and 64 people voted for her. Thus she only got 50 votes more than Mickey!
He’d handle world affairs with white kid gloves he usually wears, being no slave to fashion, and be popular throughout the world.
Running Mate: Donald Duck
Named after the great cricketer Donald Bradman, who was once out for a duck on a really off day in 1932, Duck, who was introduced to the world in 1934, sports a better hairstyle than the Blast Trump and his wacky way of talking makes more sense as well. He has a short fuse but a good heart, and makes an admirable addition to the Mouse-Duck ticket.
- Blast Trump: Not the Last Trump since he has sons, but he uses a sandblaster to comb his hair and uses the excess hot air for his speeches.
As recognizable as the Facebook logo, Snoopy has his own special way of dealing with the world’s problems. He has battled the Red Baron for years from his Sopwith Kennel, er Camel.
Every Presidential candidate worth his salt has a nemesis. This can vary from a speech defect to a troubled youth. Snoopy’s nemesis is the next door cat, World War II, who has redesigned his kennel a few times as seen in below examples:
Snoopy therefore discriminates against cats and would refuse them the vote, thus cat lovers won’t support him. Dogs, rabbits and birds will be added to the voter’s roll.
Snoopy has had his share of political intrigue, qualifying him for high office. Consider this scene where he ambushed the Baron’s secretary to get important secret papers:
The first rule of the Cult of the Supper Dish is that a supper dish should never be empty. The second rule is that absolutely no crisis is big enough to disturb suppertime for.
Snoopy will probably choose the surname Brown for political purposes, but unlike most pets who have had a file opened at the local vet’s, he usually seems deeply embarrassed to be associated with the “round-headed kid.”
Running Mate: Woodstock – who else? He may be an erratic flyer but knows how to organize Snoopy’s life. They would be a powerful team, having come a long way together.
He would be referred to as Vice-President Van Der Nest.
Snoopy would bring the following personal items to the White House:
- Supper dish
- A valuable Van Gogh painting
- Pool table
- Typewriter to churn out novels in his spare time – being elected President might actually persuade a publisher to finally accept one of his manuscripts, however boring…
Linus van Pelt
The US would be united under a new religion: The Cult of the Great Pumpkin.
This is his Achilles heel and he would be well advised to keep this aspect of his under wraps if he has any hope of electoral support, during the campaign stage, unlike when he ran for school president:
However, he has an encyclopaedic, Aspergian knowledge of the world around him and can go on at length on topics many folk have never heard of. This knowledge would stand him in good stead in the Oval Office. He could simply bore undesirable fellow politicians to death with his didactic statements of fact.
A good many Aspies would put their cross next to his name and the land would become known as Aspietopia.
Running Mate: Franklin – A suitably Presidential name for a very practical and down to earth fellow who came close to leaving town again after meeting a few of the local characters. Franklin is quiet, dependable and neurotypical, to satisfy those of our buddies who aren’t on the spectrum.
Linus brings the following personal item to the White House:
- Security blanket: to assist in decisions of state, and of course when it gets lonely at the top: this blanket has served many purposes including self defence.
Lucy van Pelt
She acts and speaks like a female version of Donald Trump, as can be observed below: further comments are superfluous:
However, she has a few qualities which Donald lacks. At least she occasionally shows a modicum of compassion, and has good days when she doesn’t put her foot in her mouth, unlike the guy who hopes the yellow mop on his noggin will sweep America clean.
Lucy – vain, egocentric, faultless in her own eyes. An ideal candidate for first woman president. Unlike Hillary, she would have ensured her husband would never be the man around the house had he done some of the things Bill did. The tongue lashing alone would have caused him to melt like the Wicked Witch of the West.
Running Mate: None – Lucy won’t share the limelight with anyone else and would prefer dealing with everything herself, having achieved her goal of self-perfection.
Patty Reichardt (Peppermint Patty)
Her priorities would include a review of all schools and their exam questions, and special incentives for female athletes. She’s a tomboy who may or may not be on the AS spectrum.
Like the Bushes, she often gets her facts muddled up such as when she mistook a school for gifted children for a school which supplied gifts to its pupils.
She made a similar mistake once and enrolled in a school recommended by Snoopy, which turned out to be an obedience school for dogs!
Running Mate: Marcie – A perfect choice. Practical and down to earth, she says exactly what she means and doesn’t dress up unpopular opinions. She’s certainly on the AS spectrum as well and we need more leaders like her! Haven’t we had enough lies and falsehoods?
So you want a creepy clown? You’ve got him! The kids love him and he will govern an increasingly GMO-dominated Big Mac nation to the acclaim of a generation of increasingly obese children of both sexes.
Running Mate: Elmer Fudd. He’ll be in his element shooting all the cattle and steers needed for the thousands of Mac branches.
A certain Walter Palmer was also considered, the one responsible for shooting Cecil the Lion during a canned hunt on a jaunt to Zimbabwe. This callous, trigger-happy millionaire would however be a millstone around the neck of anyone running for public office.
The Porsche SUV-driving dentist probably sells all the teeth he extracts from the unfortunate patients who are still prepared to be seen by him, on the black market!
Ideal Presidential material with the ego to match.
Expect plenty of fireworks, showmanship and hot air – but with a youthful flavour! Often mean and petty, he’s in good company when it comes to the political scene.
Running Mate: Veronica Lodge
However, Veronica is never seen on the campaign trail as she’s too busy selecting outfits for it.
Your typical all-American all rounder who somehow manages to navigate an often rocky path in life without upsetting anyone except two well-known gals. He always tries to please as many as possible but seldom succeeds in pleasing anyone. This puts him in the company of many a past President. His name also has a presidential ring to it.
Running Mate: Forsythe (Jughead ) Jones.
The Cult of the Hamburger is here!
Archie also considered either Veronica Lodge or Betty Cooper but after twenty-three coin flips, thirty-eight sleepless nights, fourteen fasts and eleven straw-drawing sessions, couldn’t make up his mind as he knew it would lead to a fight and he’d be in the middle of it again. He thought about both as potential First Lady but neither would settle for Second Lady.
Were he the current South African president he could have a Fourteenth Lady.
Honorary American due to his association with H P Lovecraft, which should ensure him a good showing throughout New England. If you’re going to get screwed over, do it properly and vote for Cthulhu. Remove the source of the problem: humanity – that’s his motto! The prehistoric squid will show his gratitude by letting you be among the first to be eaten as he prepares for cephalopodic world domination.
His platform is simple:
Nominate a group of people you’d like to see on the new White House menu first and perhaps your own presence on it will be deferred…
Both he and his running mate are quite used to unqualified admiration, or rather, fear…
Unlike the insidious Palpatine from Star Wars, he’s quite open about his agenda.
Running Mate: Dagon
Cthulhu would rather not have a running mate but is prepared to be magnanimous and select a fellow marine monster to share his platform of equality for all at the dinner table… behold the Kraken!
Although no one apart from the Big Two is likely be moving to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and having the privilege to select the new curtains soon, it’s fun to speculate on alternative Presidents who would probably be more deserving of the title Commander-in-Chief.